28 Down: kick and kick and kick

Can I just say I am so looking forward to tonight's class...I'm trying to nail my standing bow pulling pose. I am one who will sit at my computer all day long looking at pictures of yoga postures instead of doing work. Standing bow is one that I need to achieve in my life!!! Last night the lovely Adrian stood by me and looked at my attempt to kick back...he said "lift the thigh" I lifted and then he said "kick back" I kicked backed. And then he said "gorgeous!!!!" Granted I wasn't in full standing bow pose but I'm in gorgeous territory now WHAT!!! Pure and utter joy is swirling around me. I can't wait to get it on tonight

27 Down: Mirror Mirror on the wall

Walking down Oxford Street on my way to catch the bus to Bikram I was aware of the many trendy slim beautiful people all around me. I felt invisible thinking just once I'd love to be one of the beautiful people instead of the fat ugly dowdy person that I am. On top of that I seem to be going through the motions with Bikram everyday. Fed, one of the teachers, who was at the front desk said "going through the motions...it got you to class didn't it?" I said "yeah but I'm not in class yet I could always turn around and go home right now!" Naturally, I didn't do that I walked into the studio lay on the mat in my spot at the back of the class and closed my eyes. The class filled up pretty quickly and there were some newbies who had plonked themselves in the front row. Megan came in and told them it was best to move and she would find them a spot in the second and back rows. Little did I know she would come to me and ask me to go to the front of the class. I looked at her in horror and she assured me that it would be fine. I slowly grabbed my towel and water and moved to the front of the class with the mirror directly in front of me!! Looking at myself in the mirror during the standing postures was hard...Not only had I walked into class hating myself, hating my body, I still had the angry look on my face...It was difficult because now I had to deal with me and me alone. I forced myself to look into my eyes and boy was it uncomfortable. I don't think I have ever stood in front of a mirror so long and examined myself and my body and the way it moved so deeply. It was a different form of meditation...Usually the back row at the 8.15pm class is packed and has newbies and some whispering fidgeting people. In the front row, in front of the mirror, it felt like just me and me alone. The stillness was all around me. My postures felt stronger because I could see closeup what needed to be corrected.

At the end of class Megan gave me a big sweaty hug!!! My first bikram hug y'all hehe. She thanked me for standing in the front. I started to say that I am not good enough to stand in the front of the class as I don't do the postures 100% and I do some modified postures. Her response was "that doesn't matter. You do the yoga to the best of your ability and when you can't do a posture you stand in your stillness and there is no fidgeting. You are a really good example and role model." it was all getting a bit too deep for me so I was like "oh lawd the weight on my shoulders is too much stop stop stop..."

The Creator switched it up on me people. I stopped going through the motions I was confronted with my true self in the mirror and apparently I'm a role model to other people in the class smh...it's crazy!!

25 Down: Keep it moving

Back in April a friend coaxed me into running the Run to the Beat Half Marathon with her. We got to training but, as it was going to be my second half marathon I thought I'd like to beat my time of 3hrs 7mins. In order to achieve this I needed to strengthen my core...I attempted Ab Ripper X...and Gillian Michaels kettle bell workouts but I wasn't motivated enough to find time and do this in front of the TV...I thought yoga would definatly strengthen my core muscles. And this is one of the many reasons I took up Bikram. As time went by Bikram took centre stage in my life and my marathon training fell by the side of the road. As the date drew nearer my friend and another friend who had signed up started pestering me to run with them. I said I'd try get my training on and one Saturday morning in July I decided to go for a 30min run...it was shambles I almost died to say the least...I ran but I was so discouraged, so discouraged! There was no way I would be ready for this half marathon if I almost died running for 30mins...Needless to say my friends were disappointed and I even got cocky using excuses like "I'm tired of doing what other people want me to do. I have to look out for number 1! And Miss Number 1 wasn't going to be damaging herself to run a half marathon oh hell nah!!!"

I received my running gear from the organisers 2 weeks ago. The t-shirt was NICE!!! The crazy person in me said that I couldn't wear it in all honesty without completing the race. So if I didn't run I would never ever deserve to wear it. I folded it up and put it away. One day on the yoga mat I think it was 2 Thursdays ago (the Thursday I was off), a voice in me said "Nikki you are doing the half marathon even if it means you walk it from start to finish. And that was that."

This morning I woke up got my kit on, met up with my friend and her sister and lined up at the start line. I was so nervous I felt like I had a runny tummy, I was like "Lord  Father God why am I here? What foolishness is this...I listen to a voice on a yoga mat...smdh!!!" The plan was to run for a few miles eat a dextro energy tablet and keep it moving repeating the ritual. As soon as we crossed the start line my friends took off without so much as a backward glance. I knew this would happen even though I had been told otherwise. I knuckled down into the solitary journey of me pushing myself to take the extra step and keep on running shuffling. I got about half way through the 9th mile and decided I was going to walk...turns out my walk was faster than my shuffle hehe. But I needed to keep that running motion going...which I did. Along the way I met a lovely lady and we encouraged each other on. With about 2.5 miles to go her joints started to swell up, I really wanted to get a paramedic to look at her as she was just recovering from a cold and it looked serious. But she was adamant and said that she would get a paramedic once she crossed the finish line. What could one do? I thought to myself 'ok girl you do you... I got your back we're gonna finish this together.'  And the last few miles were absolute bliss, aside from the fact that I was scared she would pass out. The girl had so much fight and determination in her I was blessed to finish with her. We spurred each other on with 500m to go I was like "I can't run no more...Imma just walk across the finish line" she was like "COME ON NIKKI!!!" That was the shove I needed. We crossed the finish together!!!

I finished in 3hrs 18mins, 11mins longer than last time but I'm not beating myself up about it. All I know is that Bikram and the lovely lady definitely helped me cross the finish line. I mean at one point I did a body check and my heart wasn't pounding out of it's chest like the last time...my legs felt painful especially my bad knee but this only really hit me around mile 9 and 10. Mentally the determination I had was on point I knew I had to finish and finish I did. What Bikram and this current 60 day challenge has taught me is that I can do anything I put my mind to no matter how uncomfortable it is. The first step is just getting to the room or in this case the start line. The next step is taking it one posture at a time...so taking it one step at a time. And finally the last step is letting go of the previous posture as that is in the past and moving on to the next one. So basically just keep it moving!!!

As soon as we crossed the finish line. The lovely lady saw a paramedic. Thankfully she is fine. Her twitter post later referred to me as a pace-making angel. Which I think is so cool who would have thought someone would think of me as a pace maker let alone an angel.

23 down: Broken Woman

These past two weeks have been really really good. Last night in class I was beat simply beat!!! That is when I realised that I had been going straight through...no days off since the 10th September, with a few doubles thrown in the mix. Can I get a whoop whoop!!! I'm going hard y'all!!!! Today I have the day off and my body is terribly excited about doing absolutely frigging nothing tonight.

Getting to class has been tough I'm not going to lie...I've been dreaming up excuses as to not to go and looking at the class to see if i can squeeze in extra doubles and all that jazz. But I really don't want to fail at this.

Yesterday in class I so broken I felt stiff and I couldn't catch my breath. I was disappointed because even though I know every class is different I didn't expect to feel so crappy last night. There was a lot of yawning on my part. Andy caught me and was like "why you yawning" my response was to yawn back at him hehe. Class was so bad but I stayed in the room...swore when it came to doing the awkward pose and my knee felt so stiff in the third part I came out way too early. Did a little trot on my mat after I came out of Standing Bow. Cursed myself out for coming out of camel too early...and I flat out totally refused to do head to knee pose...I was dead! After class the lovely Andy laughed at me cos of the look on my face...yep I still have mastered smiling in class yet...this will come I'm sure.

37 more classes to go in the torture chamber and I love it really i do....

20 down: I defeated the truck y'all

Last night I walked into class feeling a tad bit queasy. Yesterday was a day of pigging out because just like everyone I simply love Monday mornings!!! Especially when I have been off work for a few days I woke up contemplating pulling a sickie. As soon as I got into work the phone started ringing and I had the rudest client on the phone. I really wanted to tell her to take her business and stick back there where the sun don't shine!!! I decided instead of stooping to her level I would pig out so I ran to the shops and picked up some mini rolls, made a cup of really sweet tea and began to devour them at such speed that after I sat there amongst the wrappers thinking what the heck just happened where the hell am I?? I had the itis for the rest of the day.

I walked into class stomach uneasy from the mini rolls, thinking today is going to be the day I either hurl all over everyone, I collapse, or I run out! Surprisingly nothing happened...I moved through the standing series and even did triangle pose which I hate detest to no end. I'm guessing my one saving grace is that I had had my water earlier and I did not concentrate on that feeling in my stomach.

I beat the yoga truck y'all. I managed to quiet my mind and just get on with business at hand.

Needless to say this morning the rude client sent one of her colleagues to apologise on her behalf for her rudeness...I'll accept that.

18 and 19 down: turn that frown into a smile

I doubled up yesterday. I don't know what it is but I get really anxious when I know I'm about to embark on a double bikram yoga session. 180mins = 3hours of my time totally focused on me and me alone...i mean in this day and age who does that? certainly not me. 

The first session the lovely Lorraine was telling us to do at least one posture that we are afraid of pushing through and always end up staying in that 'safe' place. I felt myself pushing through a tad bit more...I really don't want to get to that comfortable place in yoga where everything gets stagnant as that is where my life is at the moment everything is stagnant and nothing is changing so I'm taking steps to do one different thing a day. Even if that one different thing is locking the knee and locking it for the whole posture.

Second session Fed bigged me up for doing my double. But then he said "now all you have to work on is letting go of the frown". Yes the frown...the frown... the angry look on my face that I take with me where ever I go. I walk around looking like an angry black woman...I do yoga looking like an angry black woman....I need to work on this cos often times when walking down the street I've been told to smile...I don't mean to have an angry look on my face cos I'm not an angry person. So for my 20th class the one different thing I'll try to work on is turning my frown upside down into a smile!

17 classes down: Emotional release

So today is the 17th of September and I've just completed my 17th class. I'm half way through my first 30 days. I doubled up on Thursday and will be doubling up again tomorrow. Class had been going strong and steady but I've had a really weird period and it has set my balance back a bit, plus my joints feel a tad bit stiff, I can't wait till it's over. After class today I just wanted to cry... So I don't know whether or not to put it down to the fact that I'm on or to put it down to Bikram and the emotional release that comes along with doing the practice to such a level. As the teachers say everything in you is changing from a cellular level so maybe my emotions are changing and my heart is slowly opening up.

12 down...nothing to say

Ok so I'm not sure I'm going to be blogging everyday cos I honestly have nothing to say about last nights class. I'm taking two days off work starting tomorrow planning on doing a double and I finally get to go to a Friday class and then I'll double up on Saturday and possibly Sunday. So I'm going to be  busy bee.
I'm also due to go to 2 parties and even though I don't have to stay away from alcohol I know that I'll be so vexed at myself if I partake and either skip class or go to class and just lie there because of my foolishness and my inability to say no to gin and tonic.

11 down: exhasution

So yesterdays was one of pure and utter exhaustion. I have done 11 classes and I'm knackered!!!  I came down to all fours during the balancing stick pose and the teacher asked if I was ok cos I must have looked like I was about to die. But honestly it wasn't the that because that was fine and it wasn't anything else just a loud voice in my head screaming "wtf is going on here I'm exhausted stop this nonsense now!!!!" but I got up and tried my best but I'm really really tired yo.

They say that the greatest achievement sometimes is just getting to class so i have to pat myself on the back for that but I'm sooooooooooo tired. *sob*

10 down 50 to go...I could have bounced a coin of his bum

I woke up feeling that lovely exercise pain in my belly, back, and shoulders. In class today for the first time I noticed my standing bow pulling pose is defo improving. Granted I don't stay in for the whole posture and always conserve my energy for the second set...I can't wait till tomorrow to see if it was  just a fluke or it really is improving. Improving from having difficulty lifting my leg and holding my arm the right way to kicking back and now slowly bringing my body down as I work on the kick.
Since I started Bikram I couldnt help but notice that some of the men who practice have the nicest bodies...The kind that make you just want to exhale and say "Thank you Jesus. You are worthy to be praised!!" Lying on my tummy after cobra pose my eyes were drawn to the lovely bum of the guy next to me. I tell you I could have bounced a coin of his arse. It was simply lovely...

8 and 9 Down 51 to go...Doubles!!!

Today I doubled up and LOVED EVERY MOMENT OF IT!!! NO LIE!!!!! I went to the 9am class and the 3pm class. For both classes I tried very hard not to come out of the postures early. As I have noticed that I do that quite a lot. I must admit I was more successful in doing this in the first class but I didn't beat myself up about it in the second class. I really enjoyed every moment of it and the sense of achievement I felt was awesome. I was slightly tempted to do a triple right after my second class but I knew that I'd get in there do the Pranayama breathing series and just want to walk out. But I'm putting it out there one day in this 60 day challenge I WILL DO A TRIPLE!

6 and 7 down 53 to go: Get out of my head

Some evening classes start with the teacher telling us to let go of whatever had gone on that day and  leave it all behind and be in the moment. My 7th I could not leave it all behind. To the point where it prohibited me from performing to my full potential. From standing bow pulling pose to the last breathing exercise everything was extremely weak, with me only attempting the postures just once. I felt overwhelmed and mad at myself. And began to critisise every movement I made. The voice in my head said there was no way I would complete the 60 days. And I was a fool for even thinking that if I got through the 60 anything would change. I should just give up because everything I have attempted or touched in this life has failed. I was tempted to lie in fetal position and cry the class away.

On my way to yoga earlier I had had a conversation with a friend of mine. We are both having a crap year and don't seem to be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. She pointed out a flaw within me...a flaw that I willingly admit, a flaw that I'm hoping to change with this yoga. After the conversation it struck me how when she said what she said it felt like a slap in the face...I carried this into class with me and it snowballed out of control as I started thinking of every little negative thing in my life. I couldn't for the life of me get out of my head and the harder I tried the more I seemed to fail and the more I beat myself up for not performing to my full potential.

After much thought today I realise that I need to dedicate my 90mins of Bikram Yoga to myself because really even though I was thinking of the crap in my life what could I have done about it at that time of night? Absolutely nothing!!!!

5 Down 55 to go..suck it in

Last night was an amazing class...simply amazing. I went in saying to myself I'm going to suck my tummy in as much as I can...even harder than I've been doing cos I'm going to touch my forehead to my knee. Granted the knee touch never happened...but, every movement felt so strong. The last 2 nights the teacher has assisted me during a couple of movements and now I know what it should feel like when I am in certain postures and this made yesterdays class really strong. REALLY STRONG!!!
Last night made me realise that I haven't been holding my tummy in during the sessions and I just let the fat hang in all it's glory. How am I meant to see a marked improvement if I'm not working my core muscles? I am now aware of what needs to be done. I got 55  more days to reach my goal.

4 down 56 more to go...my tummy

So last nights class was one of frustration on my part...It was extremely humid, but that is not what was bothering me. All I know is that by the end of this 60 day challenge I MUST be able to put my damn head on my damn knee!!!! People may say "Oh but that is so simple!" And to that I simply reply ''err no it is not!!!!" Especially when you have a huge gut like mine. My tummy is one of the things I don't love about my body. It has hindered me in all sorts of things...hindered my confidence, hindered me being able to wear a body con dress, hindered me in wearing a bikini! And now it has the audacity in hindering me from touching my forehead to my knee!! No matter how much the teacher says "suck your tummy in! Suck it in! The posture hasn't started until your forhead touches your knee! Round down...suck your tummy in...bend your leg...." In my mind I'm screaming "I'm sucking it in I'm sucking it in! I can't help the fact that the fat is blocking my forehead from touching my knee!"
Speaking to one student who has been going for just over a year she said she was once like me but now she can do it. So there is hope for me and my belly.

3 down 57 more to go

Sunday morning was my 3rd class. I felt so wiped out after that as soon as I got home I plonked myself on the couch and fell asleep....I didn't move till dinner time had a little something something to eat and went back to bed....I need ENERGY!!!! 4th class is tonight we'll see how it goes.

2 down 58 to go

This morning I woke up with the taste of alcohol in my mouth, a headache, and feeling extremely bloated. I can only put this down to detoxing from the gin and tonics that were forced down my neck at a week long 40th birthday party in the middle of August. I haven't touched alcohol since....honest!

I dragged myself to class this morning thinking gosh it's gonna be a bad one. The bloat wasn't going away and I felt nauseous owing to the alcoholic vapours in my mouth. As soon as I lay on my mat waiting for class to begin I immediately started to sweat.  I was like wtf, as the heat normally doesn't hit me that early. I was thinking shoot I'm doomed. But surprisingly it was an ok class. Yep just ok it wasn't fabulous nor was it dreadful...just ok.

That's the thing I love about Bikram, every class is different. One day you can get every posture ''spot'' on and move through it in a meditative state with an intense ease that after class you walk out with a swag in your step and the biggest smile on your face. The next day you go into class still on a high from the previous day and you struggle in every single posture including savasana!!! You have to take a moment for your self and think what the heck just happened there?!?!? But then you go back the next day to see if you can get one up on yourself and do it flawless which in my case it never is flawless but I'm loving striving for the perfection.

60 Day Challenge: Day 1 and 2

Last night was my first class in the challenge. I am not doing one today as I am unable to get to the studio on Fridays. So will have to be doubling up on some days. I hadn't been for over 2 weeks as once I decided to do the 60 days I thought I'd take a break before I go HARD!!! Last night wasn't that good...my dehydration levels are up for after 2 weeks of 'vacationing' from the studio my water intake has been poor to say the least. I felt it during the floor series so most of the time I spent it on my back chastising myself for not getting my water in.

My first flitter with Bikram was back in 2008. All I remember is that it was 2 days of pure and utter hell and a naked woman bumped into me with her naked sweaty self when I was making my way out of the changing room. I had signed up for the introductory £30 for 30 days challenge and only managed to do 2 days. People who know me know that I am grossed out by sweat, germs and just about anything that is too close for comfort. So I wrote the £30 off and never returned.

This year something within me clicked. Living in a stressful flat share and stressing about my life in general I needed to bring my cortisol levels down...I was putting on weight as if my life depended on it and I needed to get myself in check. I've done the running thing which I love but it doesn't really calm me and even though my running practice has been solitary I never really got into the depth of me as I'd have music on and it never was a meditative form of exercise. I tried to do yoga at home but always gave up 15mins into the practice with the excuse that I don't know enough about yoga to practice it alone. So in June of this year I decided to try Bikram again...at a different studio.  Everyone was really welcoming and I felt at home...granted there was enough sweat and grossness to give me nightmares and squirminess for the rest of my life somehow I managed to see past it and just get back to me. Day 1 turned into day 15 and before i knew it 30 days were up and all I knew is I LOVED it!!! Loved the changes in my body, loved the changes in my life, and loved the peace that came over me.

So here I am 3 months later embarking on a 60 day journey which will hopefully turn into 101 days and blogging about it...