51 Down: Exhale on Three!!!

http://savethekales.wordpress.com/

Somewhere near the beginning of this journey I vowed that during this challenge I would do a triple and yesterday I did my triple!!!! I did the 0630, 1500, and 2015. I had the day off and instead of lounging around the house and basically seeing my day off work as a green light to pig out and veg I took to the "torture chamber" and loved every single frigging minute. For the first 2 classes I stood at the back near the window. But the final class I reckoned that if I stayed in the back row I wouldn't push myself so I went to the front near the window. And I did 23 out of 26 postures in the 3rd class.

This past week I have started the class with positive intentions during pranayama breathing. Before I used to count 1,2,3,4,5,6  2,2,3,4,5,6  3,2,3,4,5,6 and this used to drag on and to be honest I hated it cos my shoulders ached. My tummy relaxed and my breathing sometimes got shallow instead of getting stronger. This week I decided that when I breathe in I need to think positive with the intake of breath and with the out take exhale the negative.

inhale in self-love, exhale self-hate
inhale self-confidence, exhale low self-esteem, 
inhale can do, exhale can't do
inhale faith, exhale fear
inhale self-preservation, exhale self-destruction


I believe this helped with my triple because when my third and final class of the day was upon me and we were doing the breathing I realised I was breathing in deeper than ever before and at the end of the posture I felt I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR STRONG!!!!  Able to move on for the next 90mins.

Also this week I decided that I am not doing a 60 day Bikram Yoga challenge. Nope I'm going the whole 101 days!

Will I triple it up again??? MOST DEFINITELY.

45 Down: tears

It all started Thursday morning, up til now I have not been able to get the first part of Dandayamana Janushirasana standing head to knee. That morning after my shower I started experimenting after seeing the way a friend of mine got into the posture I thought I'd try it out and what do you know I managed to get into the posture. Granted only for a few seconds but I did it. So I was really looking forward to class that night I was finally going to stand in the first part of the posture and seeing as I can lock my knee I was going to attempt a little kick...yeah I was thinking way ahead of myself but so what!?! In class I did what I had done in the morning and to my disappointment I couldn't for the life of me get into the damn posture!!!! I was so so so disappointed.

This wave of disappointment turned into my emotional release. They say during days 30-60 you feel an emotional release. I was starting to think this was going to pass me by as the emotion I had been feeling was related to my periods. And now over 40 days in I hadn't felt that real emotional release I was starting to think I'm not human and I have no soul... The disappointment of not achieving the 1st part of Dandayamana Janushirasana kicked it off!!! Saturday's class the voice in my head started talking bullshit about my need to be accepted and to be loved and liked by everyone. This escalated when the teacher seemed to talk to everyone but me...(which is not true as she had corrected my half moon pose but my mind negated that). I felt more invisible than ever before and when it came to doing the sit-ups I couldn't exhale too loud just in case the exhale came out as a loud wail. 

Come Sunday class 45 my mind did it all over again. And I was on the verge of giving everything up...what is my reason for doing this challenge? I'm not seeing any changes or improvements in my body and postures and my mind is not quiet or at peace!!!! the whimpering started thankfully I was at the back of the class and I just let it flow over me while moving in the postures. My stillness that day was my tears.

40 down: 5 long tings

Yippie ki-yay I've done 40 classes in 40 days!!! Can I get a whoop whoop!!!!! I can't believe I've done 40 classes already time has flown by. I figured in commemoration of the 40 classes I would write down 5 things that irritate me about doing Bikram yoga day in and day out. It's not meant to be a negative blog post. I just thought I would share.

So here goes:

5 -
 
4 - People who place their sweaty feet on my towel when they are coming out of savasana and turning to face the front of the room. I know I know it can't be helped sometimes...but these are my irritations

3 - People who knowingly sit in a cold spot and say it's too cold when the teacher opens the window!!!! *throwing my hands up in dispair* I have nothing more to say on this matter

2 - washing my yoga gear day in and day out. I feel like all I have is yoga clothes hanging on the rack. And all other laundry has gone to pot. One week I think I've worked out the perfect system only to have it thrown in my face by clothes not drying or me forgetting to do a load.

1- People who talk in class!!! I cannot stand this...as I get easily distracted. I enjoy the quietness of class and hate having it shattered by someone whispering to their neighbour. I know it's evil of me but I actually get a twinge of delight when the teacher says "no talking!!!" and stops the chattering dead in its tracks.

With these irritations especially talking Charlie says I have to make this part of my meditation and work on it not bothering me....

We got a lot of work to do!!!

Oh I know I said 5 and only did 4...I couldn't think of 5.

28 Down: kick and kick and kick

Can I just say I am so looking forward to tonight's class...I'm trying to nail my standing bow pulling pose. I am one who will sit at my computer all day long looking at pictures of yoga postures instead of doing work. Standing bow is one that I need to achieve in my life!!! Last night the lovely Adrian stood by me and looked at my attempt to kick back...he said "lift the thigh" I lifted and then he said "kick back" I kicked backed. And then he said "gorgeous!!!!" Granted I wasn't in full standing bow pose but I'm in gorgeous territory now WHAT!!! Pure and utter joy is swirling around me. I can't wait to get it on tonight

27 Down: Mirror Mirror on the wall

Walking down Oxford Street on my way to catch the bus to Bikram I was aware of the many trendy slim beautiful people all around me. I felt invisible thinking just once I'd love to be one of the beautiful people instead of the fat ugly dowdy person that I am. On top of that I seem to be going through the motions with Bikram everyday. Fed, one of the teachers, who was at the front desk said "going through the motions...it got you to class didn't it?" I said "yeah but I'm not in class yet I could always turn around and go home right now!" Naturally, I didn't do that I walked into the studio lay on the mat in my spot at the back of the class and closed my eyes. The class filled up pretty quickly and there were some newbies who had plonked themselves in the front row. Megan came in and told them it was best to move and she would find them a spot in the second and back rows. Little did I know she would come to me and ask me to go to the front of the class. I looked at her in horror and she assured me that it would be fine. I slowly grabbed my towel and water and moved to the front of the class with the mirror directly in front of me!! Looking at myself in the mirror during the standing postures was hard...Not only had I walked into class hating myself, hating my body, I still had the angry look on my face...It was difficult because now I had to deal with me and me alone. I forced myself to look into my eyes and boy was it uncomfortable. I don't think I have ever stood in front of a mirror so long and examined myself and my body and the way it moved so deeply. It was a different form of meditation...Usually the back row at the 8.15pm class is packed and has newbies and some whispering fidgeting people. In the front row, in front of the mirror, it felt like just me and me alone. The stillness was all around me. My postures felt stronger because I could see closeup what needed to be corrected.

At the end of class Megan gave me a big sweaty hug!!! My first bikram hug y'all hehe. She thanked me for standing in the front. I started to say that I am not good enough to stand in the front of the class as I don't do the postures 100% and I do some modified postures. Her response was "that doesn't matter. You do the yoga to the best of your ability and when you can't do a posture you stand in your stillness and there is no fidgeting. You are a really good example and role model." it was all getting a bit too deep for me so I was like "oh lawd the weight on my shoulders is too much stop stop stop..."

The Creator switched it up on me people. I stopped going through the motions I was confronted with my true self in the mirror and apparently I'm a role model to other people in the class smh...it's crazy!!

25 Down: Keep it moving

Back in April a friend coaxed me into running the Run to the Beat Half Marathon with her. We got to training but, as it was going to be my second half marathon I thought I'd like to beat my time of 3hrs 7mins. In order to achieve this I needed to strengthen my core...I attempted Ab Ripper X...and Gillian Michaels kettle bell workouts but I wasn't motivated enough to find time and do this in front of the TV...I thought yoga would definatly strengthen my core muscles. And this is one of the many reasons I took up Bikram. As time went by Bikram took centre stage in my life and my marathon training fell by the side of the road. As the date drew nearer my friend and another friend who had signed up started pestering me to run with them. I said I'd try get my training on and one Saturday morning in July I decided to go for a 30min run...it was shambles I almost died to say the least...I ran but I was so discouraged, so discouraged! There was no way I would be ready for this half marathon if I almost died running for 30mins...Needless to say my friends were disappointed and I even got cocky using excuses like "I'm tired of doing what other people want me to do. I have to look out for number 1! And Miss Number 1 wasn't going to be damaging herself to run a half marathon oh hell nah!!!"

I received my running gear from the organisers 2 weeks ago. The t-shirt was NICE!!! The crazy person in me said that I couldn't wear it in all honesty without completing the race. So if I didn't run I would never ever deserve to wear it. I folded it up and put it away. One day on the yoga mat I think it was 2 Thursdays ago (the Thursday I was off), a voice in me said "Nikki you are doing the half marathon even if it means you walk it from start to finish. And that was that."

This morning I woke up got my kit on, met up with my friend and her sister and lined up at the start line. I was so nervous I felt like I had a runny tummy, I was like "Lord  Father God why am I here? What foolishness is this...I listen to a voice on a yoga mat...smdh!!!" The plan was to run for a few miles eat a dextro energy tablet and keep it moving repeating the ritual. As soon as we crossed the start line my friends took off without so much as a backward glance. I knew this would happen even though I had been told otherwise. I knuckled down into the solitary journey of me pushing myself to take the extra step and keep on running shuffling. I got about half way through the 9th mile and decided I was going to walk...turns out my walk was faster than my shuffle hehe. But I needed to keep that running motion going...which I did. Along the way I met a lovely lady and we encouraged each other on. With about 2.5 miles to go her joints started to swell up, I really wanted to get a paramedic to look at her as she was just recovering from a cold and it looked serious. But she was adamant and said that she would get a paramedic once she crossed the finish line. What could one do? I thought to myself 'ok girl you do you... I got your back we're gonna finish this together.'  And the last few miles were absolute bliss, aside from the fact that I was scared she would pass out. The girl had so much fight and determination in her I was blessed to finish with her. We spurred each other on with 500m to go I was like "I can't run no more...Imma just walk across the finish line" she was like "COME ON NIKKI!!!" That was the shove I needed. We crossed the finish together!!!

I finished in 3hrs 18mins, 11mins longer than last time but I'm not beating myself up about it. All I know is that Bikram and the lovely lady definitely helped me cross the finish line. I mean at one point I did a body check and my heart wasn't pounding out of it's chest like the last time...my legs felt painful especially my bad knee but this only really hit me around mile 9 and 10. Mentally the determination I had was on point I knew I had to finish and finish I did. What Bikram and this current 60 day challenge has taught me is that I can do anything I put my mind to no matter how uncomfortable it is. The first step is just getting to the room or in this case the start line. The next step is taking it one posture at a time...so taking it one step at a time. And finally the last step is letting go of the previous posture as that is in the past and moving on to the next one. So basically just keep it moving!!!

As soon as we crossed the finish line. The lovely lady saw a paramedic. Thankfully she is fine. Her twitter post later referred to me as a pace-making angel. Which I think is so cool who would have thought someone would think of me as a pace maker let alone an angel.

23 down: Broken Woman

These past two weeks have been really really good. Last night in class I was beat simply beat!!! That is when I realised that I had been going straight through...no days off since the 10th September, with a few doubles thrown in the mix. Can I get a whoop whoop!!! I'm going hard y'all!!!! Today I have the day off and my body is terribly excited about doing absolutely frigging nothing tonight.

Getting to class has been tough I'm not going to lie...I've been dreaming up excuses as to not to go and looking at the class to see if i can squeeze in extra doubles and all that jazz. But I really don't want to fail at this.

Yesterday in class I so broken I felt stiff and I couldn't catch my breath. I was disappointed because even though I know every class is different I didn't expect to feel so crappy last night. There was a lot of yawning on my part. Andy caught me and was like "why you yawning" my response was to yawn back at him hehe. Class was so bad but I stayed in the room...swore when it came to doing the awkward pose and my knee felt so stiff in the third part I came out way too early. Did a little trot on my mat after I came out of Standing Bow. Cursed myself out for coming out of camel too early...and I flat out totally refused to do head to knee pose...I was dead! After class the lovely Andy laughed at me cos of the look on my face...yep I still have mastered smiling in class yet...this will come I'm sure.

37 more classes to go in the torture chamber and I love it really i do....