45 Down: tears

It all started Thursday morning, up til now I have not been able to get the first part of Dandayamana Janushirasana standing head to knee. That morning after my shower I started experimenting after seeing the way a friend of mine got into the posture I thought I'd try it out and what do you know I managed to get into the posture. Granted only for a few seconds but I did it. So I was really looking forward to class that night I was finally going to stand in the first part of the posture and seeing as I can lock my knee I was going to attempt a little kick...yeah I was thinking way ahead of myself but so what!?! In class I did what I had done in the morning and to my disappointment I couldn't for the life of me get into the damn posture!!!! I was so so so disappointed.

This wave of disappointment turned into my emotional release. They say during days 30-60 you feel an emotional release. I was starting to think this was going to pass me by as the emotion I had been feeling was related to my periods. And now over 40 days in I hadn't felt that real emotional release I was starting to think I'm not human and I have no soul... The disappointment of not achieving the 1st part of Dandayamana Janushirasana kicked it off!!! Saturday's class the voice in my head started talking bullshit about my need to be accepted and to be loved and liked by everyone. This escalated when the teacher seemed to talk to everyone but me...(which is not true as she had corrected my half moon pose but my mind negated that). I felt more invisible than ever before and when it came to doing the sit-ups I couldn't exhale too loud just in case the exhale came out as a loud wail. 

Come Sunday class 45 my mind did it all over again. And I was on the verge of giving everything up...what is my reason for doing this challenge? I'm not seeing any changes or improvements in my body and postures and my mind is not quiet or at peace!!!! the whimpering started thankfully I was at the back of the class and I just let it flow over me while moving in the postures. My stillness that day was my tears.